


We had porn in the old days, Tony

by sassbandit



Series: Power Bottom Steve 'verse [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers Movie Night, Avengers Tower, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Gen, Humor, Implied Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers - Freeform, Internet porn, Social justice Steve rogers, Tony Is a Good Bro, goatse - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-05
Updated: 2018-01-05
Packaged: 2019-02-28 13:01:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13271967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sassbandit/pseuds/sassbandit
Summary: Tony Stark plays porn chicken against supersoldiers and loses. Twice.





	We had porn in the old days, Tony

**Author's Note:**

> If you're wondering why this is part of a series with [Tiny Power Bottom Steve Rogers: A Fisting Story](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13042182), it's because I'm writing an epic post-CATWS sequel, and this is a fluffy little outtake/bonus from that. So, this is just to let you know to expect more in this universe.

**2013**

Movie nights have a tendency to get out of hand sometimes.

"Porn…tube?" Steve asks. "That's like Youtube for, uh."

"Pooooorn," Tony crows. "JARVIS? Cue up something wholesome for Cap. Sexy librarians maybe. We don't want to give him a coronary."

"Are you sure that's advisable, sir?" JARVIS asks from the ceiling, at the same time Bruce pushes himself up off the sofa and says, "I'm out," taking his journal and his herbal tea and heading for the elevators.

"I'm not going to have a coronary," Steve says, not that anyone's listening. "We had pornography in my day."

Clint's making popcorn. Natasha's putting her feet up on the coffee table and smiling inscrutably over the rim of her hot chocolate.

The movie screen's a giant projection that takes up all the space from floor to ceiling, so when the sexy librarian appears, her face is almost twice as tall as Steve is, as is the veiny, disembodied penis she's awkwardly slobbering over. The only thing to show she's meant to be a librarian is the heavy-rimmed glasses and her hair pulled back in a bun. 

Steve watches for a minute and says, "Is she supposed to be enjoying herself?"

"That's not who's supposed to be enjoying it," Clint says, and Tony reaches over to high five him.

* * *

The next day, Tony receives an email from Steve, with actual paragraphs and punctuation and annotated links to a variety of websites about sex workers' rights, as well as a series of recommendations for ethical indie porn companies. "Something like this is much more to my taste, in case you were wondering," Steve says.

Tony clicks on the link. There's two guys who look like Williamsburg hipsters, tattooed and stubbled, sprawled across rumpled white sheets. He blinks. Okay, then.

* * *

**2015**

Barnes isn't all that talkative, so Tony has to make up for it himself while he removes and replaces the plates on the arm with the lighter ones he fabricated. He keeps up a running patter, but Barnes just sits there glaring at nothing. 

"You want a distraction?" Tony asks. "We can set up one of those TVs like they have at the dentist."

"No chair," Barnes says, gritting his teeth.

"No, no. Hey, you ever see this?" he asks, and flips an image from his desk up to a hovering projection where Barnes can see it.

Barnes watches for a minute, then says, "You've got to be kidding me."

"It's a cult classic," Tony says.

"That's not Steve."

If Tony had hoped for any more reaction to the 70s porn version of Captain America, he was sadly disappointed. Barnes leaves with the printouts of his neural test results and doesn't say anything else about it.

Three days later Tony wakes up at 4:15am to find Barnes standing by his bed, fully dressed, dark hair shadowing his face. He's holding a tablet. 

"JARVIS," Tony says, sitting up quickly.

"I'm afraid Sergeant Barnes circumvented the security on this floor, Sir."

"Yeah, that's not allowed. House rules. Mi casa es not technically su, uh –"

Barnes lifts his tablet and swipes across the screen, bringing up a projection at the foot of Tony's bed. Tony watches him turn and stalk out of the room through a translucent image of the Mark III Iron Man suit, no, wait, a blatant knockoff of his Iron Man suit on all fours being fucked by – what the actual –

"JARVIS, why haven't I seen this one before? And also, we're going to have words about those security routines."

* * *

"We had rimming in the forties," Barnes says, deadpan. "Pretty sure the dinosaurs had rimming."

"No way did dinosaurs have rimming," Tony says. "They don't have the lips for it. Wait, didn't they have, uh, cloacas. Okay, that's, yeah." He removes the cable and closes up the access port in Barnes's forearm. "How about Prince Alberts? Google that later."

He doesn't know whether Barnes googles Prince Alberts, but he does send Tony a video of pterodactyl blowjobs.

Tony sends back one of a guy lifting a cinderblock with his dick.

* * *

The way Tony sees it, he's providing a necessary part of Barnes's rehabilitation. Barnes needs to get exposure to modern culture, interact with people, all that stuff. Hill ran a briefing on it when he first came in, and even though Tony had ignored most of it, he likes to think that he's playing an important role in the process.

One day, on a whim, he sends Barnes the link that Cap sent him, of the hipster dudes with the tastefully expensive bedsheets.

"Nice," Barnes sends back, with a link to another video on the same site. It's two girls with dyed hair and lip rings, and it's… okay, Pepper's been away on business for a couple of weeks, and Tony decides that he's had enough time in the lab for now and heads back up to his own suite for some private time.

He spends a few days with a reply open in his draft folder, trying to decide what to send back. He can't actually figure out whether Barnes picked that last one at random, or because he liked it himself, or because he thought Tony would like it.

In the end, he backspaces over the link to a museum of sex toys (might be too Hydra, he realises at the last moment) and goes for a Pinterest board full of Japanese sexy robot pictures instead, airbrushed and curvaceous. Barnes sends back mecha porn.

This is officially getting weird.

* * *

"Tony," Steve says, cornering him as they suit up for a training op. "Bucky says you've been sending him Internet porn."

"It's the twenty-first century," Tony says. "Time for My Little Murder Cyborg to get with the program." He points a gauntlet at Steve. "You're not his mom."

"Actually, I wanted to let you know I appreciate it," Steve says. "It's good for him to share things with people. I'm glad you're his friend."

"Way to make it sound way more wholesome than it is," Tony grumbles.

* * *

A partial list of things Tony and Barnes send each other over the next three weeks:

  * Balloon popping porn
  * Duck erections in slow motion
  * Tom of Finland (not the Nazi stuff)
  * "20 Non-Sexual GIFs You Might Find Oddly Arousing"
  * Pink sparkly latex unicorn cosplay
  * Tribbles



Barnes is sitting at the long granite counter in the shared kitchen, eating Cheerios and reading something on his tablet when Tony gets a brainwave and sends him a link titled "pressure sensor upgrade - lab report FINAL". Barnes missed all the best Internet memes of the 2000s, and a surprise goatse is even better than a Rickroll.

If he can get Barnes to spit milk and chewed up cereal across the kitchen, he will totally do a victory dance. He tries to look nonchalant as he makes himself a coffee, watching out the corner of his eye and waiting for Barnes to open the email.

When he does, he narrows his eyes, swallows – damn, hold off on that victory dance – and looks up at Tony.

" _That_ reminds me of Steve," he says.

Tony has JARVIS set up an email filter to reply to every single thing Barnes sends him with a Rickroll until further notice.

**Author's Note:**

> Because I know everyone will demand links:
> 
> [Pterodactyl porn](https://www.xvideos.com/video370047/pterodactyl_dinosaur_spermo_plasmoids)  
> [Sex toy museum](https://www.atlasobscura.com/places/sex-machines-museum)  
> [Sexy Japanese robot art](https://www.pinterest.com/search/pins/?q=hajime%20sorayama&rs=typed)  
> [Mecha Porn](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cU1LoEB2CSU)  
> [Balloon popping](https://www.xvideos.com/video910411/anitablue)  
> [Duck erections in slow motion](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qwjEeI2SmiU)  
> [Tom of Finland](http://retroguy.org/artists/tomOfFinland/) (note: does actually contain some Nazis)  
> [20 non-sexual gifs you might find oddly arousing](http://www.collegehumor.com/post/7032064/20-non-sexual-gifs-you-might-find-oddly-arousing)  
> [Pink sparkly latex unicorns](http://www.exterface.com/unicorn/) (click pic for more)  
> [Tribbles](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rQ6LC-olw9Q)  
> [Goatse](http://goatse.ru/)
> 
> (The genital piercing weightlifting, Steve's hipster indie porn, and the Cap and Iron Man porn aren't based on anything specific. I'm sure you know where Tumblr is if you need it. By the way, I'm [sassbandit3000](https://sassbandit3000.tumblr.com/) over there if you want to follow.)


End file.
